When Motherhood Makes You Furious: Understanding Postpartum Rage
Have you ever found yourself exploding with anger over something small—like a misplaced pacifier or your partner loading the dishwasher "wrong"—and then immediately felt consumed by guilt? I've been there, and what I experienced has a name: postpartum rage.
The Hidden Face of Postpartum Mental Health
While we've made progress in discussing postpartum depression and anxiety, postpartum rage often remains in the shadows. When I was pregnant with my daughter Nora, the books I read only included a blurb of a section on postpartum depression and baby blues with basic descriptions and warnings–seemingly an afterthought. And rage? It wasn't mentioned at all.
What Postpartum Rage Felt Like for Me
For me, postpartum rage manifested as intense, disproportionate anger that seemed to come from nowhere. It wasn't just irritability—it was a volcanic fury that frightened me with its intensity. During these episodes, I found myself thinking:
"I feel like I'm totally failing." "I should be enjoying all of this!" "I shouldn't be struggling so much!"
Why It Happens
Looking back, I can see my rage emerged from a perfect storm of factors:
Hormonal fluctuations: That "inevitable hormone drop off that often occurs between 48-72 hours after delivery" didn't just cause sadness—it triggered irritability and anger.
Sleep deprivation: When I was functioning on broken sleep, my emotional regulation suffered dramatically.
Unrealistic expectations: My "mental wellness began to really go sideways when the typical stress, exhaustion, and learning curves of being a first time mom of a newborn were coupled with negative inner dialogue, self doubt, and unrealistic expectations."
Identity shift: I remember asking myself, "Who the heck am I now besides Nora's mom?"—reflecting the profound identity shift that left me feeling lost and sometimes resentful.
Why I Didn't Talk About It
I kept my rage a secret because it conflicted with my image of what a good mother should be. "Everything felt so unbelievably heavy and the heavier it felt the more resistant I was to ask for help or express how I was feeling. I was afraid that if I said things out loud it would only confirm that I was, in fact, a 'bad mom.'"
This silence only made things worse. Not talking about my postpartum rage meant I suffered alone, convinced I was the only mother experiencing these feelings.
Finding My Way Through
If you're experiencing postpartum rage, here are steps that helped me:
Recognize it's normal: Like postpartum depression and anxiety, rage is a symptom of the massive transition your mind and body are undergoing—not a character flaw.
Share your feelings: I eventually learned that speaking about these difficult emotions was the first step toward healing them.
Practice self-compassion: I had to replace thoughts of "I'm failing" with "I'm doing the best I can during an incredibly challenging time."
Create space for yourself: Even five minutes alone helped reset my emotional state when rage was building.
Seek professional support: As someone who eventually became a mental health counselor, I can't emphasize enough how valuable professional guidance can be.
You Are Not Alone
I vividly remember thinking, "I must be the only new mom who has ever felt this way." This thought crosses the mind of nearly every mother struggling with postpartum rage—and I now know it couldn't be further from the truth.
After seventeen years of motherhood and supporting countless women through their own journeys, I firmly believe that "to be educated is to be empowered." Understanding that postpartum rage is a common experience—not a personal failing—is the first step toward healing.
The path to "a strong mind, strong self, and strong connections" that I now coach other mothers toward begins with honesty—about all aspects of the postpartum experience, including the ones that make us uncomfortable.
You're not a bad mother. You're a human being undergoing one of life's most profound transitions. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate these waters. I wish someone had told me that when I needed to hear it most.